Happy But Cautious

OCTOBER 12, 2010 - 4 weeks, 3 days pregnant

A few days after the BFP I stopped at the store and bought a cheap $4 plus-sign pregnancy test. Not because I needed more proof but just because I wanted to take a pic of it because I thought a plus-sign would look better in the baby's scrapbook....just in case there ever was a scrapbook...just in case this baby made it.

Yes, unfortunately this was the attitude I had. I didn't say "when I have a baby." I said "if I have a baby." I felt scarred and ruined. All that perkiness from last time was gone. I didn't want to tell anyone for 3 reasons:

1. I didn't want to hurt anyone if or when the baby vacated the premises. I felt really bad last time for hurting my family and didn't want to do it to them again.
2. If and when that happened, I didn't want to be known as "The Girl Who Cried Embryo."
3. I didn't want anyone else feeling the way I felt now. Not happy, not unhappy, just kind of scared and a little numb. When I shared good news with people I wanted them to be happy and I was afraid they would be as cautious as I was and my baby deserved a celebration, a yay, yippee, whoo-hoo, not an, "Oh....ok."

If it was up to me I wouldn't have told anyone until after the baby was born because then they'd have to be excited and by then, I'd be happy, too. But Brian did want to spread the news and, like I said before, he usually gets what he wants. He told me if I didn't tell my parents, he was telling them. He said I would need a support system if anything went wrong. So I told my parents. And I also told some of my coworkers just so they would understand why I wasn't so quick to carry 40lbs of ice around the restaurant...and it would also explain why I was a little bit of a nutcase sometimes.

I felt like me being a nutcase was my big pregnancy symptom. I was soooooo hormonal! I would get all teary eyed for no reason at all and like two seconds later I was so angry I wanted to throw dishes at the wall and had no idea what I was mad about. It was kind of cool to have a symptom because last time I didn't have any. Or maybe it's not a symptom and I'm just a raging bitch grasping at straws.

OCTOBER 20, 2010 - 5 weeks, 4 days pregnant

I felt sick for the first time today. I was glad that I was sick because the doctors say morning sickness is a sign that things are going well in there. But I didn't wanna get too excited about it. just in case it was a bug or food poisoning. I told Brian I wasn't counting it as morning sickness until it happened two days in a row. That's how everything felt lately. I was happy but cautious about being happy. I guess I was afraid to be too happy because the higher you are the harder you fall. I was dipping one toe at a time but I was definitely feeling more positive.

OCTOBER 21, 2010 - 5 weeks, 5 days pregnant

I started spotting at work today and my heart broke again. I just knew it was over and I was filled with dread. Brian wanted to go straight to the emergency room but I was dead-set against that idea and this was one argument he would NOT win. I knew from the last time that there was nothing they would do besides jam ultrasound probes into me like they're shifting gears on a sports car, make me wait around for hours and then tell me "well, there's really not much we can tell you." And then they'd send a bill in the mail bigger than my college tuition! Seriously, I could put this child through an entire year of college classes, room & board on campus and even a meal plan for less than they charged. That is one lesson I did not need repeated and there was no freaking way I was going through that again. I thought it was best to let nature take its course and only ask for help if I was in a lot of pain which I didn't think would happen since it was so much earlier than last time. Next thing I know Brian tells me I have an appt with the OBGYN tomorrow. Ugh. Whatever. At least it's not the ER.