OCTOBER 22, 2010 - Part 2
Our joy over the nice looking sac didn't last very long. The doctor called a few hours after we left the office and told me my progesterone levels were low. VERY low. Progesterone is the hormone that thickens the lining of the uterus when a woman is pregnant and sheds the lining of the uterus when she's not pregnant. A low progesterone level means your body is getting ready to shed! She called me in a prescription for supplements. She warned me that this kind of treatment was controversial and had never been proven to work but that it didn't hurt to try it.
I did some research on the internet and came across some news articles and research studies. Apparently the progesterone/miscarriage relationship is similar to the chicken/egg debate. There could be a communication error going on and my body doesn't produce progesterone because it doesn't realize it's pregnant. This would mean that low progesterone levels could be the cause of a miscarriage (and could have caused the last one!). But on the other hand, this could mean that the body does realize that it's pregnant but also realizes that the embryo is not well and the hormones drop in preparation for the miscarriage. This would mean that the pending miscarriage is the cause of the low progesterone. Which is the cause and which is the effect? I guess they haven't figured that out yet but we went ahead and got those supplements anyway. We were hoping for the best but I thought it was safest to expect the worst.
So I went to work everyday and smiled in people's faces because that was my job. I came home from work and smiled at Brian because whenever I expressed my worries to him he would get mad at me for being pessimistic. (Seriously, though, if he wanted a cheerleader he should have married one) When I talked to my parents I told them things were ok. I even talked a little about baby names and nursery furniture. But I still had that feeling of impending doom. I was also a nervous wreck. I was afraid to sneeze, afraid to laugh, cough, do any kind of exercise. I was afraid to stand for too long, sit for too long, bend over to tie my shoes or wear pants that weren't stretchy. I was in such a panic that I didn't get out of bed at all on my days off. Brian was pretty good, though. He did all of the cooking and chores and didn't even complain about it.
I did some more research on the internet to find out if other women who were PGAL (that means pregnant after a loss) ever got as excited about subsequent pregnancies as they had been about their first. I felt like I was cheating my baby out of the happy mom he or she deserved and I wanted to know how and when I was going to snap out of it. This is the article I found if you are interested. It explains all of this way better than I can and even uses my "One Foot In, One Foot Out" metaphor. http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/22891.php
It made me feel a lot better to know that these feelings were normal and felt by so many others. They said there was a chance that I would feel better once I surpassed the time of the previous loss but I thought the only thing that was going to make me feel better was seeing a heartbeat. The doctor told me that once a heartbeat is seen on an ultrasound my chances of miscarriage went from 20% to more like 5%. So this was the milestone we were now waiting for. Our first official prenatal appointment was scheduled for November 2nd and there should be a heartbeat by then. That was in two weeks. I have to say, it might have been the longest two weeks of my life.
Showing posts with label pgal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pgal. Show all posts
Thursday, December 9, 2010
A Nice Looking Sac
OCTOBER 22, 2010 - 5 weeks, 6 days pregnant
I'm sitting in the waiting room of the OB office and I swear I am in an episode of 16 & Pregnant because the room is packed with groups of three; Mom, Teenage Daughter and Teenage Boyfriend. Not only am I the oldest pregnant woman in the room, but I'm pretty sure I'm actually older than some of the moms of the teenagers! I am gagging on the overpowering scent of Patchouli oil. What kind of douchebag wears Patchouli oil to the OBGYN? Don't these kids know that pregnant women have a bionic sense of smell that can identify different scents from 6 miles away? Speaking of knowledge, did anyone teach them about condoms?
At this point I'm not optimistic about the baby and I'm starting to go back into my I-hate-all-pregnant-people phase. I know it's irrational and childish but it's also pretty crappy to be surrounded by all these "oopsies" while I might be losing another baby. And to make this situation even worse, a threesome is making their way out the door when the mom hands the daughter the ultrasound pic and the surly emo girl waves her hand, rolls her eyes and says, "I don't want that." WTF I wanted to strangle that skinny skank! Oh, and I should probably clarify that I didn't hate all pregnant people after my MC, I just hated the ones who complained about being pregnant, the ones who didn't want to be pregnant and the Fertile Hos. I will write an entire blog post about the Fertile Hos in the future. But back to the appointment.
There's really not much to see on the ultrasound this early. The tech confirms that the gestational sac is inside my uterus (versus being in a tube) and that it's at the top of my uterus. I didn't understand why that was important so she explained it to me. She said an embryo that is going to miscarry will slowly scoot its way down the uterus towards the cervix so it can get out. It's not likely to spontaneously fall from the top of the uterus and out the hoo-haa. Basically that meant my little black dot had not started an evacuation route just yet. Looking at the location of my black dot on the screen I realized that the last time we were here my black dot was at the bottom. She didn't tell me what that meant the last time though. She didn't really say anything except "You probably have your dates wrong," before she disappeared from the room in a cloud of dust like the Roadrunner. This time she was cheerful and talkative. She told me, "That's a good looking sac." Then she gave me a picture of it! I definitely didn't get this treatment the last time! All good signs, right?
Brian and I were so excited about this. A good looking sac, we kept repeating to each other. Our baby is a good looking sac! Our sac is not trying to escape from us right now. Our sac is sticking around! That sac is secure! I really liked saying the word 'sac.' For the first time since my BFP I felt like I might actually have a baby. I guess if you were the type of person to use a lot of metaphors (and I totally am! I also use a lot of parentheses and semi-colons), you could say I stuck an entire foot into the pregnancy pool.
I'm sitting in the waiting room of the OB office and I swear I am in an episode of 16 & Pregnant because the room is packed with groups of three; Mom, Teenage Daughter and Teenage Boyfriend. Not only am I the oldest pregnant woman in the room, but I'm pretty sure I'm actually older than some of the moms of the teenagers! I am gagging on the overpowering scent of Patchouli oil. What kind of douchebag wears Patchouli oil to the OBGYN? Don't these kids know that pregnant women have a bionic sense of smell that can identify different scents from 6 miles away? Speaking of knowledge, did anyone teach them about condoms?
At this point I'm not optimistic about the baby and I'm starting to go back into my I-hate-all-pregnant-people phase. I know it's irrational and childish but it's also pretty crappy to be surrounded by all these "oopsies" while I might be losing another baby. And to make this situation even worse, a threesome is making their way out the door when the mom hands the daughter the ultrasound pic and the surly emo girl waves her hand, rolls her eyes and says, "I don't want that." WTF I wanted to strangle that skinny skank! Oh, and I should probably clarify that I didn't hate all pregnant people after my MC, I just hated the ones who complained about being pregnant, the ones who didn't want to be pregnant and the Fertile Hos. I will write an entire blog post about the Fertile Hos in the future. But back to the appointment.
There's really not much to see on the ultrasound this early. The tech confirms that the gestational sac is inside my uterus (versus being in a tube) and that it's at the top of my uterus. I didn't understand why that was important so she explained it to me. She said an embryo that is going to miscarry will slowly scoot its way down the uterus towards the cervix so it can get out. It's not likely to spontaneously fall from the top of the uterus and out the hoo-haa. Basically that meant my little black dot had not started an evacuation route just yet. Looking at the location of my black dot on the screen I realized that the last time we were here my black dot was at the bottom. She didn't tell me what that meant the last time though. She didn't really say anything except "You probably have your dates wrong," before she disappeared from the room in a cloud of dust like the Roadrunner. This time she was cheerful and talkative. She told me, "That's a good looking sac." Then she gave me a picture of it! I definitely didn't get this treatment the last time! All good signs, right?
Brian and I were so excited about this. A good looking sac, we kept repeating to each other. Our baby is a good looking sac! Our sac is not trying to escape from us right now. Our sac is sticking around! That sac is secure! I really liked saying the word 'sac.' For the first time since my BFP I felt like I might actually have a baby. I guess if you were the type of person to use a lot of metaphors (and I totally am! I also use a lot of parentheses and semi-colons), you could say I stuck an entire foot into the pregnancy pool.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Happy But Cautious
OCTOBER 12, 2010 - 4 weeks, 3 days pregnant
A few days after the BFP I stopped at the store and bought a cheap $4 plus-sign pregnancy test. Not because I needed more proof but just because I wanted to take a pic of it because I thought a plus-sign would look better in the baby's scrapbook....just in case there ever was a scrapbook...just in case this baby made it.
Yes, unfortunately this was the attitude I had. I didn't say "when I have a baby." I said "if I have a baby." I felt scarred and ruined. All that perkiness from last time was gone. I didn't want to tell anyone for 3 reasons:
1. I didn't want to hurt anyone if or when the baby vacated the premises. I felt really bad last time for hurting my family and didn't want to do it to them again.
2. If and when that happened, I didn't want to be known as "The Girl Who Cried Embryo."
3. I didn't want anyone else feeling the way I felt now. Not happy, not unhappy, just kind of scared and a little numb. When I shared good news with people I wanted them to be happy and I was afraid they would be as cautious as I was and my baby deserved a celebration, a yay, yippee, whoo-hoo, not an, "Oh....ok."
If it was up to me I wouldn't have told anyone until after the baby was born because then they'd have to be excited and by then, I'd be happy, too. But Brian did want to spread the news and, like I said before, he usually gets what he wants. He told me if I didn't tell my parents, he was telling them. He said I would need a support system if anything went wrong. So I told my parents. And I also told some of my coworkers just so they would understand why I wasn't so quick to carry 40lbs of ice around the restaurant...and it would also explain why I was a little bit of a nutcase sometimes.
I felt like me being a nutcase was my big pregnancy symptom. I was soooooo hormonal! I would get all teary eyed for no reason at all and like two seconds later I was so angry I wanted to throw dishes at the wall and had no idea what I was mad about. It was kind of cool to have a symptom because last time I didn't have any. Or maybe it's not a symptom and I'm just a raging bitch grasping at straws.
OCTOBER 20, 2010 - 5 weeks, 4 days pregnant
I felt sick for the first time today. I was glad that I was sick because the doctors say morning sickness is a sign that things are going well in there. But I didn't wanna get too excited about it. just in case it was a bug or food poisoning. I told Brian I wasn't counting it as morning sickness until it happened two days in a row. That's how everything felt lately. I was happy but cautious about being happy. I guess I was afraid to be too happy because the higher you are the harder you fall. I was dipping one toe at a time but I was definitely feeling more positive.
OCTOBER 21, 2010 - 5 weeks, 5 days pregnant
I started spotting at work today and my heart broke again. I just knew it was over and I was filled with dread. Brian wanted to go straight to the emergency room but I was dead-set against that idea and this was one argument he would NOT win. I knew from the last time that there was nothing they would do besides jam ultrasound probes into me like they're shifting gears on a sports car, make me wait around for hours and then tell me "well, there's really not much we can tell you." And then they'd send a bill in the mail bigger than my college tuition! Seriously, I could put this child through an entire year of college classes, room & board on campus and even a meal plan for less than they charged. That is one lesson I did not need repeated and there was no freaking way I was going through that again. I thought it was best to let nature take its course and only ask for help if I was in a lot of pain which I didn't think would happen since it was so much earlier than last time. Next thing I know Brian tells me I have an appt with the OBGYN tomorrow. Ugh. Whatever. At least it's not the ER.
A few days after the BFP I stopped at the store and bought a cheap $4 plus-sign pregnancy test. Not because I needed more proof but just because I wanted to take a pic of it because I thought a plus-sign would look better in the baby's scrapbook....just in case there ever was a scrapbook...just in case this baby made it.
Yes, unfortunately this was the attitude I had. I didn't say "when I have a baby." I said "if I have a baby." I felt scarred and ruined. All that perkiness from last time was gone. I didn't want to tell anyone for 3 reasons:
1. I didn't want to hurt anyone if or when the baby vacated the premises. I felt really bad last time for hurting my family and didn't want to do it to them again.
2. If and when that happened, I didn't want to be known as "The Girl Who Cried Embryo."
3. I didn't want anyone else feeling the way I felt now. Not happy, not unhappy, just kind of scared and a little numb. When I shared good news with people I wanted them to be happy and I was afraid they would be as cautious as I was and my baby deserved a celebration, a yay, yippee, whoo-hoo, not an, "Oh....ok."
If it was up to me I wouldn't have told anyone until after the baby was born because then they'd have to be excited and by then, I'd be happy, too. But Brian did want to spread the news and, like I said before, he usually gets what he wants. He told me if I didn't tell my parents, he was telling them. He said I would need a support system if anything went wrong. So I told my parents. And I also told some of my coworkers just so they would understand why I wasn't so quick to carry 40lbs of ice around the restaurant...and it would also explain why I was a little bit of a nutcase sometimes.
I felt like me being a nutcase was my big pregnancy symptom. I was soooooo hormonal! I would get all teary eyed for no reason at all and like two seconds later I was so angry I wanted to throw dishes at the wall and had no idea what I was mad about. It was kind of cool to have a symptom because last time I didn't have any. Or maybe it's not a symptom and I'm just a raging bitch grasping at straws.
OCTOBER 20, 2010 - 5 weeks, 4 days pregnant
I felt sick for the first time today. I was glad that I was sick because the doctors say morning sickness is a sign that things are going well in there. But I didn't wanna get too excited about it. just in case it was a bug or food poisoning. I told Brian I wasn't counting it as morning sickness until it happened two days in a row. That's how everything felt lately. I was happy but cautious about being happy. I guess I was afraid to be too happy because the higher you are the harder you fall. I was dipping one toe at a time but I was definitely feeling more positive.
OCTOBER 21, 2010 - 5 weeks, 5 days pregnant
I started spotting at work today and my heart broke again. I just knew it was over and I was filled with dread. Brian wanted to go straight to the emergency room but I was dead-set against that idea and this was one argument he would NOT win. I knew from the last time that there was nothing they would do besides jam ultrasound probes into me like they're shifting gears on a sports car, make me wait around for hours and then tell me "well, there's really not much we can tell you." And then they'd send a bill in the mail bigger than my college tuition! Seriously, I could put this child through an entire year of college classes, room & board on campus and even a meal plan for less than they charged. That is one lesson I did not need repeated and there was no freaking way I was going through that again. I thought it was best to let nature take its course and only ask for help if I was in a lot of pain which I didn't think would happen since it was so much earlier than last time. Next thing I know Brian tells me I have an appt with the OBGYN tomorrow. Ugh. Whatever. At least it's not the ER.
Big Fat Positive
I made the big Facebook announcement today - I'm pregnant! I didn't want to tell anybody until I made it through the first trimester so forgive me for keeping secrets! I still want to blog about my experiences thus far, though, so I have a record to maybe show my baby someday. I don't want to confuse anyone, though, so for the next few blogs I will use dates to show you the period of time I am currently writing about, ok?
OCTOBER 8, 2010 - 3 weeks, 6 days pregnant
After having a miscarriage I was determined not to let it happen again. They say what you don't know won't hurt you, right? So I told Brian that if my period was ever late, I wasn't going to take a home pregnancy test (HPT). That way there were only 2 outcomes; I would either get a really late "period" or an "OMG I just had a baby in my pants" moment. Like a double-edged milk chocolate Dove bar this was a winner either way in my whacked-out mind. Of course, in reality there are a LOT of other outcomes for a baby born to a smoking mom with no pre-natal care who likes sangria and hot tubs, eats bologna and cheese from the deli and cleans a litter box. So don't go looking at mental health facilities just yet, people. It might have sounded like a good idea at first but obviously I came to my senses.
On October 8th Brian bought a 3-pack of HPTs. It was the kind with 2 lines. One line means not pregnant, 2 lines means pregnant. I would have gotten a plus-sign test if I'd gone to the store but these ones were cheaper and I believe I've already made it pretty clear how my husband shops. My period wasn't even late at this point but Brian said since we had 3 of them we should take one right away. The earlier we find out the sooner we can change any bad habits around and the better off we'll all be. I didn't want to take it yet but he is so pushy sometimes and he usually ends up getting his way. If I refused to take the test I figured he would probably pull some hand-in-water trick on me while I was sleeping so I gave in.
We stood there staring at the test on the counter. We saw one line show up clear as day....then we sort of saw another line but it was so thin and so faint that I didn't buy it. He probably got this thing at the dollar store and it's malfunctioning. They say the best time to test is as soon as you wake up so we tried again the next morning and again the line was barely visible and could have been a figment of our imaginations. I tried to take a pic and the second line didn't even show up through the lens. I wasn't convinced. We took another one the next day. By this time my period was late but it didn't help that second line come in any darker. Brian said there's no way 3 out of 3 tests are screwed up and a faint line is still a line but I refused to accept it. Probably because I was too scared to accept it.
Next step = Digital. The digital tests actually spell out the words. Pregnant or Not Pregnant. In English. There is no possible way to misread a digital test. Why we didn't get this in the first place I don't know. But we took it and it said "Pregnant." I couldn't deny it any longer. I was pregnant again. But I wasn't crying tears of joy like last time. I wasn't jumping up and down like last time. I wasn't spreading the news and calling everyone I knew like last time. I just sat down and thought to myself Here we go again.
OCTOBER 8, 2010 - 3 weeks, 6 days pregnant
After having a miscarriage I was determined not to let it happen again. They say what you don't know won't hurt you, right? So I told Brian that if my period was ever late, I wasn't going to take a home pregnancy test (HPT). That way there were only 2 outcomes; I would either get a really late "period" or an "OMG I just had a baby in my pants" moment. Like a double-edged milk chocolate Dove bar this was a winner either way in my whacked-out mind. Of course, in reality there are a LOT of other outcomes for a baby born to a smoking mom with no pre-natal care who likes sangria and hot tubs, eats bologna and cheese from the deli and cleans a litter box. So don't go looking at mental health facilities just yet, people. It might have sounded like a good idea at first but obviously I came to my senses.
On October 8th Brian bought a 3-pack of HPTs. It was the kind with 2 lines. One line means not pregnant, 2 lines means pregnant. I would have gotten a plus-sign test if I'd gone to the store but these ones were cheaper and I believe I've already made it pretty clear how my husband shops. My period wasn't even late at this point but Brian said since we had 3 of them we should take one right away. The earlier we find out the sooner we can change any bad habits around and the better off we'll all be. I didn't want to take it yet but he is so pushy sometimes and he usually ends up getting his way. If I refused to take the test I figured he would probably pull some hand-in-water trick on me while I was sleeping so I gave in.
We stood there staring at the test on the counter. We saw one line show up clear as day....then we sort of saw another line but it was so thin and so faint that I didn't buy it. He probably got this thing at the dollar store and it's malfunctioning. They say the best time to test is as soon as you wake up so we tried again the next morning and again the line was barely visible and could have been a figment of our imaginations. I tried to take a pic and the second line didn't even show up through the lens. I wasn't convinced. We took another one the next day. By this time my period was late but it didn't help that second line come in any darker. Brian said there's no way 3 out of 3 tests are screwed up and a faint line is still a line but I refused to accept it. Probably because I was too scared to accept it.
Next step = Digital. The digital tests actually spell out the words. Pregnant or Not Pregnant. In English. There is no possible way to misread a digital test. Why we didn't get this in the first place I don't know. But we took it and it said "Pregnant." I couldn't deny it any longer. I was pregnant again. But I wasn't crying tears of joy like last time. I wasn't jumping up and down like last time. I wasn't spreading the news and calling everyone I knew like last time. I just sat down and thought to myself Here we go again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)