I'm Going to Italy!

Having spent 9 horrible days wondering if something was wrong with my baby, I did a lot of research. I read the stories of other mothers who had lost babies to try to prepare myself. I know it's morbid, and I'm only being publicly honest about it now because I know everything is ok, but I thought my baby might die. (BTW, yelling at me when I say something negative does not keep me from thinking the thoughts, it only keeps me from sharing them with you). NTDs can range from a barely noticeable birth defect, to a baby born unconscious, blind, deaf and dying in mom's arms. Thinking I might have to deliver a baby that was going to die was what changed my mind about finding out the sex. I know I gave a bunch of other reasons for it in my last blog, but that's not the whole truth. I didn't wanna hear good news, "It's a ____!" with bad news, "Now say goodbye." Anyway, while I was doing my research, I came across this story written by Emily Perl Kingsley, the mother of a disabled child and it brought me lots of comfort for a few days.

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

I feel so much relief knowing that I'm going to see Italy! But having to wonder if I'd end up in Holland or even some place worse, and getting to know these girls who did, it's really opened my eyes and made me appreciate how lucky I am. I was talking to my brother the other day. I think of him as the voice of reason in our family. I was telling him about all of the decisions I have to make and how everyone is putting their ten cents in and pulling me in different directions and he said, as if the answer was obvious, "This baby is a blessing to our family and we need to see it as such" So basically he's saying let's not get our panties twisted over whether we find out the sex, whether we use boob or formula, what we name the baby or what high chair we pick out. Let's just be happy that we have a healthy baby. Maybe the answer really is that simple.

Now that you know Baby Cramer is perfect as can be, let me tell you a little about our day in Traverse City. First we met with a genetic counselor who went over our test results WAY better than the OBs. She said my AFP amount was 2.52 the first time. The cutoff for some labs is 2.2 and other labs is 2.5. So it wasn't 2.5 times the normal amount like I was told. Also, it went down to 2.34 for my second test. If a baby has a NTD, the amount continues to go up, it never goes down. Hearing these things from my Dr would have saved me 9 days of worrying! Ugh, if I wasn't so happy about baby being ok I would totally be pissed at Petoskey.

After the genetics counselor we went in for our U/S with a really nice tech. She showed us everything! Baby was moving around like crazy and tech never once huffed, puffed or sighed. When it was time for the naughty bits she had us look away while she printed up the pic to put in an envelope.

The high-risk specialist came in during the scan. He was very nice, personable, patient and most importantly, he was confident. He said, with absolute certainty, you're going to Italy. (He didn't really say that but you know what I mean) There was a student in there, too, and the Dr showed her on the screen, "This is what the skull should look like. This is what the brain should look like." My baby was used to teach a student what a perfect baby looks like!

After his diagnosis he talked to me a little about the test I took. He said the only reason to take that test is if I would abort a baby with Down's Syndrome. They can see NTDs and other chromosomal abnormalities on the U/S so a blood test is unnecessary. The test is only useful for assessing chances of Down's and even after you find out your chances you still have to risk miscarriage with an amnio or spend 5 months not knowing. So unless you'd have a late-term abortion (and we wouldn't), there's no reason to have that test. Why didn't my doctors explain this to me?!?!?!? I'm pretty pissed about this whole mess and the awful week I had that could have easily been prevented but I guess it's a lesson learned. The important thing is that baby is healthy and now, after 5.5 months, I can finally enjoy my pregnancy and get ready for this baby! No more tests and no more stress!

Change Of Plans

I already told ya'll that I didn't intend on finding out the sex of my baby and explained why I made that decision...but I'm moving over to a different team now. Believe me, it's not because I can't wait to find out. I want to wait. Just like I wanted a normal, happy, no-worries pregnancy. It just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me.

Now that I have to have an ultrasound every 4 weeks there are a whole bunch of ways in which this surprise could be ruined:

1. The tech could let it slip. She was already using certain pronouns at my last appointment. And seeing as how she's an impatient bitch, I find it hard to believe she'll be able to keep this a secret for 5 months during all of her huffing and puffing. She is clearly not concerned about my feelings.

2. I could see something I'm not supposed to see. My mom says I can easily look away during those times but you never know which way a baby is going to move or wiggle or which position they'll be in and I don't want to spend every ultrasound with my eyes closed. That just seems ridiculous.

3. Brian could let it slip. Brian DOES want to know, he wants to know very, very badly and there's no way he's going to look away from that screen ever. If he knew the sex and I didn't I'd also have to worry about him letting it slip! Or finding something he bought that is clearly for one sex or another.

If any of these things happen, I'm gonna be disappointed so I decided to be proactive and pop the bubble on my own before anyone else has a chance. Our appointment with the high-risk specialist is tomorrow. We're going to ask the tech to write the sex down on a piece of paper and put it in a sealed envelope. Then, on Valentine's Day we will have dinner and we'll open the envelope together during dessert. For those of you who don't know or don't remember, February 14th was the due date for our first baby. This will be a way to create a better memory for both of us, and it's also a lot more special than finding out the sex while I'm lying in a cold dark room with goo all over my belly, possibly next to the wicked witch of the north. Actually I shouldn't call her that. It's an insult to the Wicked Witch of the West who was actually a very kind person who just happened to be very misunderstood. I'll have to think of a different name for her. But anyway, at least we will still get a "special" moment....with chocolate fondue instead of ice chips.

BUT....we are still not revealing the sex to anyone else. I know, it'll be tricky. If anyone has suggestions on making this easier I'd love to hear them. For now, we're just praying for a great day tomorrow in Traverse City.

Ultrasound = Not Fun!

You remember how I had my blood tested again to get a more detailed count of my AFP levels? Well, they never called with the results so I was thinking positively (yes, I really was) and I thought no news meant good news. The other night I felt something in my belly that felt like a bubble popping and I thought that might be the baby moving. Also, the baby has been basically dancing on my cervix and I can feel it several times a day. So I was feeling pretty good about the baby. I'd even started a registry at Amazon and I was picturing my cute baby in this swing and this outfit and playing with this toy. I ordered a Peanuts growth chart off eBay for the nursery and Brian ordered a book about a baby's first year. I did have a little bit of concern in me but I thought all of that would be cleared up at the scan.

Everyone has been telling me what a wonderful experience the anatomy scan is. They bring back pictures of hands and feet, and the cutest profiles with button noses and I guess I was expecting something a little unrealistic. I was imagining it as being one of the most wonderful experiences of my life. The perfectly healthy baby would be dancing and waving at us and maybe even blowing us kisses while everyone in the room cried tears of joy, even the ultrasound tech. Not only did I think it would be great, but I thought it would relieve me of all of my concerns and that I'd go on to spend the next 19 weeks in pregnant bliss. Now for the reality...

First she asked if we wanted to know the sex. I said no. Then she said, "I have to pay extra attention to a few things because your AFP is high." WHAT? They never called so I thought I was ok. This was when things took a turn towards Crapville.

She put the probe on my belly and said, "You're probably gonna have to come back because he's facing away from us and I can't get a lot of shots this way."

She checked the heartbeat (158), weighed the baby (12 oz) and said "The spine looks good" That's a really important thing because a high AFP could mean a Neural Tube Defect and that would be either in the spine or the brain. It seemed like I might be making a U-turn and heading away from Crapville until she went for the head...

She spent a lot of time on the head and got real quiet for a bit. Then she started huffing and puffing and said, "This isn't working. I'm gonna have to try something else." She got out a different probe and tried again. She took shots of the head/brain from several different angles. I was starting to panic so I asked if everything looked normal and she snapped, "I'm having a hard time here! Your doctor will talk to you. That's what he gets paid for!" Not only am I officially in Crapville, but I've purchased a home there. I am now sure that there's something wrong with the baby because if she can tell me the spine looks good she can certainly tell me the brain looks good and since she's not saying that it probably doesn't look good! I was being quiet, just lying there and trying not to cry when she said (totally unprovoked!), "I mean, I'm not even done yet and you're asking me questions." WTF, Bitch?!?!?!? Sorry if I don't know ultrasound protocol! I find it hard to believe that you do this for 8 hours a day and nobody ever asks you a single question! Shouldn't people in this field have some kind of compassion? Now not only am I worried about my baby but I'm ready to knock this bitch out! Also, the whole time we were in there she kept saying "he." One time she caught herself and added, "or she." Maybe she always uses male pronouns. I don't know and I wasn't about to ask her another question but she did say she was able to determine the gender so she knows either way. Besides, I was too worried about the health of the baby at this time and didn't care if it was a hermaphrodite. They can fix that. But there's nothing they can do if our baby's missing part of "his" brain.

After the scan, as we're walking to the examination room, I see this bitch at the counter showing the doctor the pictures she'd taken. I don't know, do they always do this? I couldn't hear what she was saying but her hands were waving around and she seemed really animated. It bothered me. I don't know a lot about this but I would think if everything on a scan seemed normal that the tech would stick the pics in a file or something and that would be the end of it. I could be wrong, but seeing this make me even more nervous.

The nurse puts us in an exam room and says, "You don't have to sit on the table because the doctor's just going to talk to you today." Just curious, but would anyone else be alarmed by such a statement? We're not medical professionals here. We're just parents worrying about a baby. Shouldn't these people be a bit more sensitive? Looking back I've realized that there is no reason for the dr to examine my uterus or check for a heartbeat since we just saw that the baby is alive and the size he's supposed to be. But in that moment of panic I wasn't thinking logically and people in this field should be used to this!

We're sitting in the exam room and every minute that goes by brings more dread. My heart is thumping hard in my chest. I'm starting to feel hot and dizzy. I keep an eye on the trash can that says "Paper Waste Only" just in case I need to vomit. I'm beginning to think I was elected as mayor of Crapville. We sit there for 30 minutes before the nurse comes back and says the dr got called away for an emergency c-section. She said all the other drs are really busy but she'll see if she can grab one. IF? FOR REAL PEOPLE? Ugh, these people should have gone into careers that had then sitting at a computers all day and NOT jobs dealing with people!!!!! Especially overly-emotional pregnant people! Geez!

About 10 minutes later my favorite doctor comes in. There are 6 doctors there and only 1 of them is on call everyday for deliveries so any one of them can show up to deliver a baby. What they do is they rotate you a different dr every appointment so that you have a chance to get to know all of them. This doctor, Dr Cockfield (I know! An OBGYN named Cockfield - how ironic, right?) is my favorite and when I saw her face pop in the door I felt immediate relief. I knew that even if it was bad news I would feel better having it come from someone sensitive and patient like her, rather than some of the other drs who were always brisk and in a hurry. And this is what she had to say...

Everything looks good! The scan showed no signs of any problems with the spine or abdominal wall but my AFP levels were 2.5 times the normal amount. She said this was probably due to the unexplained spotting I had in the first trimester because if there's a pocket of blood caught somewhere in the sac it will send out AFP and cause my levels to be higher. She said they see this all the time but she is going to send me to get another scan with a high-risk specialist for a second opinion and that from now on I will have an ultrasound every 4 weeks. Is all of this settling? I didn't feel like it was, no.

I cried all the way home. I cried because the lady was mean to me (I'm very sensitive!), I cried because this perfect moment I'd built up in my mind would forever be tainted, and I cried because I'd been looking for reassurance and hadn't gotten any. Yes, the spine and belly are good but she didn't specify about the brain! And if she was sure everything was ok she wouldn't send me to a specialist two hours away, right?

Now that I've had 24 hours to calm down and really think about it, I'm starting to feel a little better. I did some research on Google and learned a few things. I learned that it's hard to get clear images of an ultrasound if the mom has some extra belly fat. It's possible that the tech was just frustrated because she couldn't see as clearly as usual, not to mention that the baby was upside down AND backwards! I also learned that the AFP blood tests are intentionally designed to give out a high number of false alarms so that they don't miss anything. It's better to worry over nothing

My friend, Billi, says to look at the silver lining. She said the silver lining is that I get to see my baby A LOT from now on. I guess most people would think of that as a good thing but I'm definitely not looking forward to seeing that bitch again. My silver lining is that I have an excuse to go to Traverse City where I can go to Target and get a frozen Coke! Appointment is February 11th and I bet they have a great tech there =)

The Sex Factor - Why I'm on Team Green

Back in June, when I was pregnant for the first time, I told Brian I didn't want to find out the sex of the baby until it was born. It wasn't something I was on the fence about. I was positively 100% sure I did not want to know the sex. Just like a lot of little girls fantasize about their weddings when they're little, I skipped that part and fantasized about being a mom. Picking out baby names, singing to my growing belly that was actually a stuffed animal under my shirt, and finally bringing that baby home where I could wrap it up in a blanket, give it a bottle and rock it to sleep. Never in these fantasies did I find out the sex of my baby in a dark ultrasound room at my 20 week appointment. Maybe I'm being old-fashioned but this is my first baby and I want that special moment in the delivery room.

Of course Brian disagreed with me the same way he disagrees with me about everything but this was a battle I chose. No matter how much he argued I didn't budge.

These days hardly anyone waits to find out the sex. They find out around 20 weeks and by this time they usually have a name picked out so the baby is named before they even leave the dr's office. They then call their families and closest friends to announce the news. After that it goes up on Facebook so that every person they've ever known in their entire lives now knows the good news as well. And that's it. A baby is born.

The mother, meanwhile, is still pregnant for another 4 or 5 months! The family goes on for the second half of the pregnancy referring to the baby by name, getting the baby's name embroidered on bibs and blankets, buying block letters to spell out the baby's name on the nursery wall and I'm sure this is all tons of fun...but by the time the baby is born it's old news. The parents just experienced one of the biggest events of their lives and nobody gives a shit because as far as they're concerned, that baby was born 5 months ago. The parents come home from the hospital and it's kind of anticlimactic. Their lives have changed forever. There's supposed to be a celebration but there's nothing but a crying baby. There's no banners or balloons, no phone calls, and really no visitors except maybe the grandparents. Nobody even pays attention to the first photos anymore because they saw the 4D pics months ago. It's Postpartum Depression just waiting to happen if you ask me.

I'm not trying to be an attention whore or anything, but I think having a baby, especially a first baby, is a HUGE deal! Being pregnant is exciting and all, but that's just foreplay. Having that baby, that's the main event and I want all of the celebrating (mine AND everyone elses) to be done then, not now.

Explaining this to Brian didn't get me anywhere. He said I was being melodramatic as usual and that finding out the sex is just as exciting at 20 weeks as it is at 40 and imagine how hard it's going to be to prepare for a baby when all you can buy are things in green and yellow. So I decided to make a pros and cons list and I thought I'd share it with all of you so you will understand why I made this decision as well.

PROS - WHY IT'S BETTER TO WAIT

• The last few weeks of pregnancy and the labor itself are pretty rough (from what I hear). Some women say it makes labor easier if they don't know the sex of the baby. They tend to cope with the pain better, push harder, and not give up as easily as those who have known the sex for months. I don't know if there's any proof of this but if there's a chance for an easier labor I'll take it.
  
• When the baby comes out the dad gets to announce the sex to the mom. Then the dad gets to run out to the waiting room and make the big announcement to everyone else (assuming there's anyone in the waiting room). It's the dad's big shining moment and he'll be thankful for it later.
  
• If you know the sex of the baby you're gonna buy every cute thing you see and forget about all of the stuff you actually need. Before you know it you'll have 30 bibs that say "Daddy's Little Girl" and a dress for every day of the year but no money left to buy diapers.
  
• Same thing with everyone else. There's just something about baby clothes that everyone loves. Even the toughest guys can get all marshmallow-like when in the company of a preemie-size pajama set. If you have a shower you can end up opening up outfit after outfit after outfit. A friend of mine had a baby shower a few years ago and she got 13 pink blankets, like 25 pink outfits in size newborn and nothing else! I'm not trying to sound ungrateful. Of course I'll appreciate anything we're given but if people don't know the sex they're more likely to buy something less cute but more important, like plain white onesies and socks; boring but needed. Some people will find some cute gender-neutral clothes and that's great but in the end the baby will have a good balance of cutesies and necessities.
• Since we don't know the sex we have to get gender-neutral everything. The car seat, stroller, swing, high chair, play pen and nursery decorations will work for a boy or a girl so when we have another baby we don't have to go out and buy all new stuff!!!
• Have you ever opened a Christmas present early and even though it was something you really wanted you felt kind of disappointed? I'm dying to know the sex of my baby but I really feel like it'll be a better experience if I wait.

CONS - WHY IT'S BETTER TO KNOW

• Some women say that knowing the sex and being able to call the baby by name makes them feel closer to the baby while it's in the womb.

I can't think of any other cons because I don't consider gender-neutral shopping to be a con.

I'm glad I wrote this blog and reminded myself why this choice is so important to me because our big ultrasound is in 3 days and I was starting to waiver a little. Especially since I started registering this week and everything on there is yellow, green or brown. But it would probably be just as boring if everything was pink and purple or blue and green, right? I told Brian we can find out the sex for the next baby but for now we're playing for Team Green.

My Dress Rehearsal

My cousin was going on a 2-week vacation just a few days after we got back from ours and she asked if we would stay at her house while she was gone to take care of her pets. Of course I said we would. She has done tons to help us since we moved here so I owe her a lot more than pet-sitting.

My cousin basically lives in a Thomas Kinkade painting. She has a big house in the middle of the woods. There's no street, just a long, winding, gravel driveway. There are actual icicles hanging from the gutters and everywhere you look are snow-covered trees. In the daytime, it's serene and beautiful. At nighttime, well, it's a bit frightening!

If you don't know by now, I'm a worrier! On our first night here we couldn't get the internet to work and my phone wouldn't make calls. I told Brian I felt like we were in that movie The Strangers and I expected people in masks to appear at any moment. If I had to call 911 I'd be screwed. For one thing my phone won't work but besides that, I don't know the address! I don't even know if there is an address.

Because the house is so big there are several space heaters around. Of course I Googled the incidences of fires caused by space heaters and tried to come up with an evacuation plan to get all 6 animals out of the house in the event of a fire. We've been here a week now and I'm still not satisfied with my fire plan. The dogs and rabbit will live but those cats are unpredictable.

Besides worrying about ax murderers and fires, there are some great things about being here. There's a dishwasher! A dryer! She has the ID channel!!! I'm a total murder-mystery fanatic (which might explain the paranoia). She also has the Cooking Channel so I can watch Rachael Ray's new show. But the best thing about being here is that the thermostat is set at 69. The thermostat at our place is at 58 because we are waiting for a gas refill. We go there everyday to give love to the cats and it's quite uncomfortable. We are putting $800 into that damn tank this week (again!) so hopefully we can also live in a 69 degree world soon.

There are 6 pets here. 3 dogs, 2 cats, 1 rabbit. Let me tell you, this bunch is a high-maintenance handful! They all get fed different foods at different times in different amounts. I have to set timers, use measuring cups and even cut up veggies for the rabbit. The dogs want to go outside at least once an hour. The puppy of the bunch is a Newfoundland the size of a pony and because he's still in his puppy phase, he needs to be hooked to a cord when he goes out or he might not come back. The cord is long so he still has access to a lot of the yard. The thing is, he gets the cord tangled around bushes almost every time so about once an hour I have to bundle up and go outside to untangle him. There were a few days this week when the temps went below zero. Being outside for just 3 minutes or so and I felt like my eyelids were going to freeze to my eyeballs!

When the dogs aren't outside they want to play, be loved on, or be given a snack. But since they can't talk I have to figure out what each one wants. Unfortunately, I am physically unable to pet 3 dogs at once and this causes agitation and fighting. When the dogs go down for their nap, I go upstairs to let the rabbit out of his cage and play with him for a little bit. Playing with him means being chewed on and pooped on. Did ya'll know that rabbits can't control their pooping? It just comes out while they're walking around. If you have a pet rabbit you have to vacuum or clean the cage daily. I also have to watch out for the cats because one of the dogs likes to chase and attack them. So basically this is like a full-time job. I guess you could say it's a dress rehearsal to mommyville. Literally. I've even got drool on my shirt to prove it.

The first two days I did everything. I measured out all the food, I went outside in the snow, I got up at 9am to let them out....and then I got pissed because Brian wasn't helping. It made me wonder if he's going to help with the baby. And on the 3rd night I'm so frustrated with the dead phone lines, the slow internet connection, the whining dogs who I can't seem to please, the Newfoundland that just drooled all over my sleeve, the 3 holes chewed into the other sleeve by the rabbit, plus the fact that I've hardly slept a wink because the dogs bark every time the wind blows and I'm on the verge of tears and contemplating beating my head against a wall and all of a sudden Brian gets on the living room floor on all fours and starts barking like a dog. The dogs LOVED it. And Brian had this goofy smile on his face so I know he was having fun, too. I wish I would have videotaped it. It was the sweetest thing. Not only did it make the dogs happy for awhile, but it reminded me what a great guy he is and what a great dad he's going to be. The next morning he got up at 9 to let them out and feed them breakfast. *sigh* I love my husband.

So Brian saved the day with his silly little game but I learned that I have to practice my patience before this baby gets here. Brian's going to have to work 2 jobs to make up for my maternity leave and I'm going to be on my own most of the time. It makes me wonder what I'll do when Brian's not around to save me...should we put some padding on the walls?

Stupid Quad Screen

Our Babymoon in the Caribbean was absolutely perfect! I promised myself I was going to appreciate every minute of it and I kept my word. Even when the ship was rocking so hard that the staff put out barf bags, I was happy to be there. Instead of planning out every detail of every minute I just kind of chilled out, relaxed and let my vacation happen and it turned out to be the best I ever had! (Thanks again, Daddy!)

I was swimming in the crystal clear waters of Grand Cayman when Brian yelled for me to get out for an important phone call. It was the OBGYN's office. I had some blood work taken at my 16-week appointment and they were calling with the results. The test is called a Quad Screen and one of the 4 things they tested (called AFP) came back "slightly elevated." The lady on the phone made sure to tell me this wasn't anything I needed to worry about, that it didn't mean anything was wrong with the baby but they wanted me to come in for a second test to get a more accurate reading. You would think that I, being a little bit neurotic, would have been freaking out but I just told her we'd be in next week and got back to enjoying my relaxing Babymoon. There's just something about the Caribbean that calms me.

I did some research on this Quad Screen and AFP when I got home and now I'm kicking myself for even taking the stupid test in the first place. From what I've been reading, over 90% of the time the results are meaningless. And even when there is something wrong with the baby, what can I do about it? So I'm not worried about the test. What I am worried about, though, is that I haven't felt the baby moving yet. Most women feel the baby move for the first time between weeks 16-20. I'm 19w4d right now and nothing yet. They say that bigger women tend to feel it later than skinny women which makes no sense to me. Just because I'm fat doesn't mean I don't feel things!

Another thing I worry about lately is that I don't actually "feel" pregnant anymore. I just kind of feel like a normal person. It doesn't seem like my belly has grown any in a few weeks, either. It could be that I'm just "plateauing" and getting used to being pregnant. I have read that the 2nd trimester is a breeze and I guess you could say that mine has been a breeze so far. It could just mean that I've been lucky and maybe instead of worrying about my breezy time I should be thankful! We're having an ultrasound on Groundhog's Day and hopefully we'll see a healthy baby on the screen. Then I can stop worrying about the health of my baby and start worrying about how the heck I'm gonna get it out of me!!!!

16 Weeks!!!

The scariest thing to me about the OBGYN's office isn't the needles in the arm or pricks to the finger or even the duckbill platypus thing that they stick you-know-where. I mean, those all suck, yeah, but they don't make me fill with dread the way I do when it's time to get on the scale. I know how lame it is for pregnant people to complain about weight gain and I don't mind any weight related to the baby. I lost 20 pounds last year in a relatively short amount of time on the 3-hour Diet so I know that I can lose any weight I gain. But because I'm already overweight I'm only supposed to gain 10-15 pounds during the pregnancy. (Note: My Doctor never said anything about this but I read it on the internet). It says in What To Expect that the baby and its home and belongings weigh 15 pounds. So how I am supposed to gain less than the baby? And putting a limit on things makes it seem scary. I don't know what will happen if I go over this amount but I was hoping not to find out. I wanted to be the perfect pregnant girl who only gained weight in her basketball-shaped belly. So prior to my Christmas vacation I was eating nothing but healthy food and playing active games on the Wii. And then the holidays came and...well, I was a bit terrified of that scale today.

But I didn't gain any weight. I weigh exactly the same as I did 4 weeks ago, right down to the ounce. At first I let out a squeal of delight (I totally didn't mean to - it just happened). And then I started to panic. Why didn't I gain weight? I was on vacation for 12 days! I had fast food twice, ate at lots of restaurants and hardly ever had my daily doses of fresh fruits and veggies! When we were in North Carolina I loaded up on boiled peanuts and hushpuppies with honey butter. Not to mention the Christmas cookies and Reese Trees and Hershey Kisses! How did I not gain weight? Is my baby still alive in there?

Luckily it didn't take long for the nurse to find the heartbeat - 153. Brian got excited because he knows about the old wives tale that says a heart rate higher than 140 is a girl. He wants a girl. The doctor measured my uterus with a measuring tape and said everything is at is should be. Then he signed my permission slip. I now have my doctor's permission to Babymoon in the Caribbean!!!!! My dad is taking us on a cruise for our Christmas present! How awesome, right? We leave for Florida in 3 days!

I started to feel a little insecure when I was trying on my summer clothes. My "bump" isn't really distinguishable yet as a baby bump and it kind of just looks like I'm fatter than usual. I've also put a little onto my hips. My pre-pregnancy summer clothes still fit me but they look different on me because I have a different shape now and I don't feel like this shape is very flattering at the moment. I'm also WHITE! Obviously a pregnant chick can't go to a tanning booth and I read that self-tanners can turn out the wrong color because my hormones are out of control. My hair is a dull shade of brown with a little gray since I can't dye it and my face has that blotchy pregnant skin and I'm just yucky. So I worried about my gross, fat, white, dull, blotchy self for like 10 minutes and then I realized I was acting like a Fertile Ho and I snapped out of my whine-fest. I'm going to be in the Caribbean for 6 days! Who cares what I look like? Sheesh!

Because this will be the last relaxing vacation I get to take in probably 18 or so years, I am determined to make the best of it. I looked at the weather and saw that it is supposed to rain while we're in Grand Cayman and I said, "Yay! That means the beach will be less crowded!" Seriously, I'm going to love every minute of it no matter how bland the food is or how unfunny the cruise director is - I promise. The only thing that will dampen my spirit is if the ship sinks or tips over or catches on fire or gets shot at by pirates....ok i better stop before I freak myself (and my mom) out.

Things sure are different with a baby on the way, though. For my last cruise I bought all new outfits for both day and night including shoes and jewelry! This time Brian bought a tube of superglue to repair a few pairs of shoes with broken straps. Last time I cruised I paid $75 + tip for a pedicure in the ship's spa. This time I spent $2.99 on a bottle of Sally Hanson nail polish and let Brian paint my toenails. But I don't mind it one bit because I'm going to be a mommy!